KoW Parody Version, Part II

[Lolua]

Parody of Part II: Blood Feud

Chapter 1: Darkur and Darkur


We begin in the wizarding village of Hogsmeade....
Remmy: Hey, guess what I am?

Dead Deanna Sande: *growls from beyond the veil*

Remmy: Spoil-sport!

Marcus: Caw!

Remmy: I didn't mean you.

Marcus: Get your butt to Hogwarts.

Remmy: But I'm unclean, unclean!

Church: What am I doing in Hogsmeade?

Remmy: Love me, because I guilt-trip.


Meanwhile, at Hogwarts...
Alter!Draco: To avoid confusion when we start school, I've changed my name to Digory Kirke.

Alter!Hermione: Not a good idea. You'll be confused with cannon fodder. Dead cannon fodder.

Alter!Draco: Eurgh. Better call me Eustace Xavier.

Alter!Hermione: Okay...... deer. *laughs hysterically*

Eustace: Shut up.

Alter!Hermione: At least I get to be confused with someone worth being confused with.

Eustace: *is confused*


In Snape's bedroom:
Snape: *moans in bed* Mmm.... Hermione?

Snape/Hermione shippers: *rejoice*

Alter!Hermione: Wrong Hermione, morons.

Snape/Hermione shippers: *despair*

Alter!Hermione: What's with the "flu-like symptoms"?

Snape: I have the flu.

Alter!Hermione: Liar.

Snape: I have syphillis.

Alter!Hermione: Ewwwww....

Snape: It's a readjustment period because I didn't have my anti-bloodlust potion in the altiverse.

Alter!Hermione: See, that I'll accept.

Snape: Weirdo.

Alter!Hermione: Runs in the bloodline.

[Lolua]

Chapter 2: Representative

Outside Dumbledore's office...
Remmy: *knocks on door*

Gargoyle and revolving staircase: WTF, mate? Where'd we go?

PRTeam: Umm..... *looks at shoes*

Dumbledore: *speaking for J.K. Rowling* It's magic, go with it.

Remmy: Marcus wrote you a letter because he thinks I am totally incompetent.

Dumbledore: That could have something to do with all the women and the booze.

Remmy: But I hold diplomatic office!

Dumbledore: You must be the world's horniest politician.

Remmy: You must've never been to Amer- wait, yeah, I actually am.

Dumbledore: Smashing. I've got a little mission for you. And a partner of my choosing.

Remmy: Great, where is she?

Alter!Hermione: *appears*

Remmy: Hello there, my beautiful little partner --

Dumbledore: Not her, you pedophilic bloodsucker.

Alter!Hermione: O reluctantly avuncular one, you've got company!

Remmy: *snores*

Alter!Hermione: What's with him?

Dumbledore: He's a professional carouser who spent three nights straight at the office.

Snape: *appears*

Dumbledore: *pokes Remmy* Snape, meet Jeremy Darkur. Your contact and new partner.

Remmy: But you're not a girl!

Snape: That's my contact? You've got to be kidding me.

Dumbledore: I need to raise the darkness factor, which means it's shopping-spree time for everyone under the age of 17.

Alter!Hermione: Cough it up, Uncle Sev.

Snape: I will hurt you if you buy me anything pretty.

Alter!Hermione: 20 bucks of hedonistic opportunity, here I come!

Dumbledore: Bad things are happening, but not at Hogwarts. Makes a nice change, don't you think?

Snape: Get on with it, old man.

Dumbledore: Go to Romania. Play nice with the other vampires.

Snape: Are you certain you don't want to send someone else?

Dumbledore: Surely, teaching others how to make potions isn't beyond your skill.

Snape: *seethes*



Shopping in Hogsmeade....
Raven: Hogsmeade, teenagers, and sugar are not a good combination.

Thorne: Sucks to be you.

Alter!Hermione: So when do I start calling you Auntie Raven?

Raven: *chokes on beverage* I wasn't planning on adopting you, too.

Eustace: I must be just as stupid as the real Draco Malfoy, because I have no idea what either of you are talking about.

Alter!Hermione: I should probably mention that my uncle is going off to do his Potion-making action hero thing pretty soon.

Eustace: Gee, that could be dangerous. Maybe even deadly.

Murphy's Law: *is invoked*

Raven: That does it. I like my men breathing, dammit.

Eustace: And full of nice warm blood.

Raven: Whatever. Saddle up, kiddies, you get to work to earn your new relatives.

Alter!Hermione: Yipee!

[Lolua]

Chapter 3: Potions and Preoccupations


On the Eurostar to France....
Remmy: *imitates a large black bird*

Raven and Marcus: Hey!

Remmy: It's Poe, you freaks. Now get out of the scene.

Raven and Marcus: *whoosh*

Remmy: Hungry, Sev?

Snape: *shoots look of disgust* This is a Muggle train. Learn to behave yourself or go to sleep.

Remmy: Hey, don't confuse me with Remus Lupin.

Snape: Then don't make me want to kill you.

Remmy: I'm so much hotter and hipper than you, you know.

Snape: ....

Remmy: Watch me seduce this girl.

French Girl: *is seduced*

Snape: I'd be more impressed if she wasn't French.

Remmy: I'm still cooler than you.

Snape: Whatever.

Snape's bag: *is rummaged in*

Snape: What the heck is this? A letter, a journal, and a vial of something that smells like... tuna?

Remmy: *makes the French girl bleed*

Snape: *reads letter* Hey, at least somebody thinks I'm cool....

Alter!Hermione's cover: *is blown*

Snape: Fifty points from -- oh, who cares? Raven likes me for me!

Journal: Don't expect too much from this, bub. You’re still a greasy git who wants her job.

Snape: Oh, right. *cries*

Journal: I must be pretty special. He chose to read me over Shakespeare's Macbeth.

Flashbacks: *flash*

Young Snape: I'm a dangerous creature who wasn't supposed to go to Hogwarts.

Young Raven in her journal: I'm a dangerous creature who wasn't supposed to go to Hogwarts.

Young Snape: But Albus Dumbledore is the nicest man ever, and he let me in.

Young Raven in her journal: But Albus Dumbledore is the nicest man ever, and he let me in.

Young Snape: I'm going to make a Potion to control myself and tell no one but Albus Dumbledore about it.

Young Raven in her journal: I'm going to make a Potion to control myself and tell no one but Albus Dumbledore about it.

Mlle: Have you been rendered unconscious by the parallelism yet?

Snape: Dude... she could have told me. I was her &$#@ing Potions instructor!

Young Raven in her journal: Maybe I should have told Professor Snape... after all, he was the Potions instructor I'd most like to --

Snape: Whoa.

Journal: Yeah. Shocker for me, too.

Snape: That explains a lot, actually.

Journal: *nudges Snape*

Remmy: *frightens a small child*

Journal: *nudges Snape more*

Snape: Wow, Raven and I are perfect for each other.

Journal: Finally. You're catching on.

Snape: *panics* She's going to make me eat ice cream, isn't she?

[Lolua]

Chapter 4: Bad Blood

Arrival in France....
Remmy: 'Bye, Frenchie, nice knowing ya.

French Girl: *pouts*

Snape: I'm still not impressed.

Remmy: I'm still not going to behave myself.


En route to Romania...
Magical train: Silly reader, you thought I just ran between King's Cross and Hogsmeade. But a train's gotta make a living, you know.

Snape: *reads a foreshadowy Shakespeare play*

Remmy: I wonder why Muggle electronics tick off Snape so much. *cranks up the volume*

Snape: That does it! I've had enough of your oozing sexuality and your annoying noise-making devices! En garde!

Remmy's ring: Does my ominous glowing actually mean anything?

Dueling and juvenile name-calling: *commence*

Refreshment witch: Anything off the ... On second thought, I don't think these two need any more sugar.

Snape: I've cried 'havoc' and let slip the dogs of repressed anger!

Refreshment witch: Meep! *ducks*

Remmy: How dare you mar my visage with unsightly boils!

Snape: Are these enormous teeth my punishment for being an evil uncaring git or for pretending I'm not a vampire?

PRTeam: Both. Deal with it, joyless prole.


Romania at last...
Snape: I'm wearing a turtleneck?! Dammit, where are my billowing black robes?

Remmy: Remind me to change clothes so no one thinks we're together.

Ticket agent: Too late for that. Two for the Dracula Tour?

Remmy: No thanks, we're just staying the one night.

Snape: There had better be two rooms.

Restricted area: *is entered by Remmy and Snape*

Snape: Are you eventually going to tell me why you keep channeling Harry Potter?

Remmy: Isn't this quill nifty? I shop at the same store as Dolores Umbridge.

Bloody staircase: I'm the creepiest entryway ever, right?

Draven door-knocker: Sorry, I claimed that title six chapters ago.

Bloody staircase: Drat. *opens*

Snape: Underground village, eh? I think someone's been watching too much Star Trek Voyager....

Mlle: *looks innocently at the ceiling*

Remmy: Magda, maternal kinswoman, accomodations for two are necessitated by my presence. And his.

Magda: You're impolite.

Remmy: Yet extremely formal.

Snape: Yes, we know you're a walking contradiction... but I still hate you.

Magda: Who's the stiff in the turtleneck?

Snape: Good Elder Lady Vampire of Romania, my erstwhile companion and I beseech your kind assistance in fulfilling our quest to bring honour to the name of vampire, and to ensure goodly relations betwixt our people and all righteous-minded wizards of the world.

Magda: Doesn't answer my question.

Universal Fanfiction Translator: Don't blame me... I was designed using an eighteenth-century English dictionary.

Marian: *enters*

Snape: I smell the plot thickening... and the all-too-familiar odor of potato crisp grease.

Marian: Magda! Another vampire disappeared!

Snape: Ummm... we do that sort of thing. Did everyone miss the mad mist-morphing in the last part?

Remmy: Not that kind, you unfeeling slimeball.

Marian: Are you by any chance talking about me?

Snape: I knew you were familiar! I hate you, Uncle Marian!

Reader: Wait.... Marian is a guy's name now?

PRTeam: It's Romanian and means 'bitter or rebellious'. So.... shut up.

Magda: The plot has thickened around here for the last time. We need to take down those freakin' vampire hunters.

Dead Deanna Sande: *growls from beyond the veil*

Marian: Severus! Good to see you!

Snape: Drop dead, sleazebag.

Marian: Act your age, not your shoe-size.

Reader: If he's British, they're probably the same... but, whatever.

Snape: I'm a grown-up, as evidenced by my ability to put the past behind me.

James Potter: *laughs from beyond the veil*

Harry Potter: *laughs from off-stage*

Albus Dumbledore: *laughs from place of omniscient observation*

Snape: Have I mentioned lately how much I hate everyone?

Marian: *oozes sliminess*

Remmy: Wow, someone actually leered at Snape.

Flashback: *flashes*

Younger Severus Snape Potter: Marvel at my adorable rosy-cheeked, green-eyed innocence!

Younger Marian: You are a child with a toy Potions set, but I forbid you to make a mess.

Young Severus Snape Potter: You know you're asking the impossible, right?

Toy cauldron: Oops, was I not supposed to spill anything?

Younger Marian: Congratulations, clod-child. I will now turn you into a vampire... however that works.

Younger Severus Snape Potter: *hides in a cupboard under the stairs*

Mlle: Have you noticed the compounding irony yet?

Younger Marian: Come out, come out, wherever you are....

Younger Severus Snape Potter: That means it's safe to come out.

Snape-Slash fans: *hold their breath*

Younger Marian: Haven't seen enough horror movies yet, have you, kid?

Younger Severus Snape Potter: Oh. Crap.

Younger Marian: *bites*

Snape-Slash fans: That's not exactly what we had in mind....

Flashback: *ends*

Snape: I keel you!

Snape's wand: *spiniferates*

Dead Deanna Sande: Hey! That's copyright infringement!

Snape: *lunges at Marian*

Remmy: You'll never be cool like me if you kill other vampires!

Snape: Could you at least try to see things my way?

Remmy: Sorry, I missed the Flashback Express.

Snape: Here's the instant replay. *bites Marian*

Marian: Yeargh! I'm already a vampire, you moron!

Snape: It's times like these when I really hate me... I mean, you.

[Lolua]

Chapter 5: Evil Afoot

Remmy: Aren't you done with the violence thing yet?

Snape: Dude, I'm just getting warmed up.

Marian: *hides behind Magda*

Snape: Coward.

Magda: *licks chops*

Remmy: Move over, Snape. Your murderous violence is nothing compared to Magda's haranguing lectures.

Magda: In order to censor what I'm about to do to Marian, will all viewpoint characters please leave the room?

Remmy: Come on, Revenge Boy. I know this great place where everybody knows your name.

Everyone: Norm!

Magda's office: Less booze, more books... but the resemblance is there just the same. Everybody smile for the picture with Kirstie Alley!

Remmy: I wonder if you can you get to her from The Leaky Cauldron.

Snape: *seethes*

Remmy: Your mopy stance is interfering with my nervous fidgeting. Cut it out, will ya?

Snape: *sits and seethes*

Remmy: That's much better.

Magda: Roar!

Marian: *whines*

Magda: Yell!

Marian: *whimpers*

Magda: Shout!

Remmy: Sounds like he's getting a good thorough talking-to.

Snape: Am I the only one left grossly unsatisfied by this?

Magda: Remmy, go pick up chicks so I can have a touching moment with your passive-aggressive friend.

Remmy: You don't need to tell me twice! *leaves*

Claudia: *throws self on Remmy*

Remmy: Wow, I've heard of chick magnets before, but... oh, hi, Claudia. Long time no see.

Claudia: So long that you don't realize my abdomen is a different shape?

Remmy: You pregnant, Laudie?

Claudia: Yup.

Remmy: Sure it's not mine?

Claudia: Absolutely positive.

Remmy: Wow. Maybe I haven't slept with every female on the planet, after all.

Demonic Neko: Emotional breakdown in 3... 2... 1...

Claudia: *cries*

Remmy: Must be the mood swings.

Claudia: Yeah. *sniff* And the missing husband.

Remmy: You sure the one doesn't have anything to do with the other?

Claudia: Please, Remmy... my baby needs a father.

Remmy: Whoa, slow down, there, hon. I'm not really the paternal type, if you know what I mean.

Claudia: Well... duh. I may look like a Mary-Sue, but I'm not stupid. I'm asking you to find Lucca.

Remmy: I suppose I could look for him. Not like I'm here on a specific mission or anything like that.

Claudia: I knew there had to be a reason for your existence.

Claudia's unborn baby: Oh, terrific, Mom, send the useless playboy to find Daddy. *sighs* One-parent household, here I come...

J.K. Rowling: Got a problem with that, kid?



Meanwhile, back in Magda's office....
PRTeam: Did you think we were kidding about the touching moment?

Magda: I don't suppose you realized that on top of being mean and despicable, what Marian did to you was also illegal?

Snape: Illegal? Vampires have laws? Dude... all I know about is Potions...

Magda: That explains why you still don't have the DADA job.

Snape: *cries*

PRTeam: *displays knowledge of the British Muggle court system*

Magda: Er... not only are we not Muggles, but I'm also not British.

PRTeam: Oh. Yeah.

Magda: You don't have a case, anyway, unless you can produce witnesses.

Snape: Crap. Don't have any.

Magda: Why not? Surely, a lot of people were in the house at the time and saw him make you a vampire.... however that works.

Snape: Lord Snake-Face tried to wipe out the Potter line, so everybody's dead.... except Marian.

Magda: What about that kid? What's-his-name, Harvey, Henry -- Harry. Harry Potter.

Snape: Never heard of the arrogant little brat.

Albus Dumbledore: *clears throat from place of omniscient observation*

Snape: Oops, almost forgot... Albus Dumbledore. He knows what Marian did.

Magda: That barmy old codger? No good... unless you've got documents.

Snape: Sure I do. It says "was made a juvenile vampire against his will by his evil uncle Marian Potter" across the top of all my school transcripts.

Magda: You probably should have mentioned that in the first place.

Snape: Does this mean that... if I had known all of this back then... I wouldn't... hate... everyone... quite so much?

Awkward silence: *hangs*

PRTeam: Okay, you've had your touching moment. Time to move the plot along, bucko.

Snape: Oh, yeah, I've got a potion-y mission to complete. Got any magical transportation handy?

Magda: Well, there's the Nexus.

Snape: Sorry, but I'm not a Trekkie, so you're gonna have to tell me what that is.

Magda: A thingy with a cool name that'll get you from point A to point B. Magically. Somehow.

Reader: Okay. *thinks* But how does it --?

Magda: Please save all questions until the end.

Reader: ...

Snape: May I present the creatively-named Vampire's Bane potion?

Mlle: Wake up and smell the irony, all ye Remus Lupin fans.

Snape: It controls bloodlust, is chock full of nutrients, and keeps Mudbl- I mean, keeps women from falling all over you.

Magda: That's only a problem if you're a crappy kind of vampire, unlike Remmy and I.

Snape: You mean his luck with the ladies isn't because of his pheromones?

Magda: Nope, he's just hotter than you.

Snape: I hate my life.

Magda: Quit whining and I'll show you the Nexus...

PRTeam: Wait, we don't know how it works yet!

Magda: ...but not until the next chapter.

PRTeam: Phew! That was close...


In another part of the country...
Photophobic Mutant: Hungry!

Mina's Mommy: Time for dinner, Mina! It's your favorite... senseless violence with a side of foreshadowing. And irony for dessert.

Mina: In a minute... I need to find my Quidditch Barbie!

Photophobic Mutant: Still hungry!

Mina: Maybe she had a fight with Quidditch Ken and is hiding in the bushes.

Quidditch Barbie: They should have called me Bait... with stylish accessories.

Photophobic Mutant: Hello, lunch.

Mina: *screams*

Quidditch Barbie: Eurgh. Sucks to be you.

Photophobic Mutant: *burps* Is there any irony left for me?

[Lolua]

Chapter 6: Hunters and Howlers

At Claudia's family home...
Claudia DeLaCroix: Isn't our surname ironic for a family of vampires?

Catherine DeLaCroix: *glomps Remmy*

Remmy: I may be undead but I... can't..... breathe..... *turns blue*

Peter DeLaCroix: Sorry about that. We're just used to Lucca, who's far manlier than you...

Demonic Neko: ...but not as fun to draw nekkid.

Claudia: Stupid rogue vampire hunters.

Dead Deanna Sande: *shakes fist from beyond the veil*

Remmy: So, what's the plan to find the missing vamps?

Peter: Mount up and make like a John Wayne movie.

Remmy: Because taking the law into your own hands has totally been working for Snape so far.

Catherine: You and your English friend are welcome to stay here if you'd like.

Remmy: There had better be two rooms.



At the offices of the Magical Wildlife Preserve...
The Nexus: *expectorates Snape*

Snape the Bat: *smashes into window* That was... not fun.

Reader: Awwww! He's a cute widdle disoriented bat!

Snape the Bat: This is as soft and fuzzy as I am ever going to get.

Post owl: Hello, lunch.

Snape the Bat: Oh. Crap.

Howler: Thank goodness Romania doesn't have stringent anti-smoking laws.

Boris the Griffon Handler: Sorry, we don't answer fan mail from the IRA.

Viktor the Unicorn Handler: Or the Unabomber.

Charlie Weasley: I'll get it... it's probably from Mum.

Snape the Bat: Forget the Howler... somebody find this feathery menace some food that doesn't have to TEACH CLASSES IN SEPTEMBER!!!!!

Charlie Weasley: Am I the only one who didn't fail Defense Against the Dark Arts? That's no bat, that's a vampire!

Snape the Bat: Wow, a Weasley who isn't a dunderhead. *unmorphs*

Howler: Why is Snape the one opening me? He doesn't even work here!

Snape: Thanks for helping me celebrate having all my digits back. *rips open Howler*

Howler: FORTY PEOPLE DEAD... GROSS INCOMPETENCE... CUT FUNDING.... Is it just me, or is it odd that he's not mentioning any "magical wildlife"?

Charlie: Awww... he signed it "very sincerely". That must be the most polite Howler we've had all year.

Minister of Magic Vladimir Gabore: *sighs* No one understands how difficult it is to really rip into someone when English isn't your first language.

Snape: I must've hit my head harder than I thought... I don't understand. Howler? Minister? Deaths?

Charlie: He thinks we've got a rampaging dragon on the loose, but the Preserve doesn't seem to be missing any of them.

Snape: That amphibian DNA must've kicked in.

Charlie: I blame either the stupid people trying to build housing in a dragon preserve or the even stupider people wanting to live alongside your bloodsucking brethren. No offense.

Snape: Tell me again why I trusted you with that knowledge in the first place...

Charlie: It's difficult to lie or be snarky with the man who supplies the main ingredient in your joy juice.

Reader: So that explains why Snape's getting along with a Weasley... I guess it's not just the turtleneck talking, after all.

Charlie: Soo.... do you want the dregs of my illegal draconic blood bank shipped directly to Hogwarts?

Snape: Actually, no. I'll be teaching the locals to brew Vampire's Bane... to keep the Mudbl- I mean, keep the vampires from joining Voldemort this time.

Charlie: Good luck with that... hey, aren't you supposed to say "Dark Lord"?

Mlle: Erm.... *quickly changes the subject* Isn't Snape an ironic choice for a goodwill ambassador?

Snape: Not as ironic as the imbecile with the actual diplomatic credentials.

Remmy: *coughs from offstage*

[Lolua]

Chapter 7: Bane and Banality

In the bar that night...
Remmy: Time to hit the cognac while I wait for Snape to show his greasy mug.

PRTeam: Mmmmm... that oak-aged irony goes down smooth....

Remmy: Wearing a hole in my liver sure beats having Magda rip one for me if I interrupt her meeting.

Nikos: Hello, I'm here to interrupt Magda's meeting.

Remmy: You need to work on the self-preservation thing, kid, but you've got spunk.

Magda: This had better be good.

Nikos: Are underage plot points allowed into your meeting of Elders?

Magda: Life is so much more mysterious when you don't finish your sentences.

Remmy: Bored now.



Some time later...
Snape: *walks into the bar*

Remmy: It's about time! I've been stuck here waiting for you all night!

Snape: Don't blame me. If you were at all competent, I'm sure Magda would have given you something useful to do.

Remmy: Magda wants to see you, by the way.

Snape: Let's get this over with. The plot's been held up long enough.

Magda: Marian's escaped. I guess he mist-morphed out of his jail cell.

Reader: Looks like there's little point in ever trying to imprison a vampire, then...

Snape: Dammit, some Potters have all the luck.

Magda: I find it odd that most of these lucky Potters are now worm food.

Snape: What can I say? It sucks to be me.

Magda: How about trading your pity party for a searching party?

Snape: Sure... I live for adventure.

Remmy: *funny look*

Snape: Fine, fine... I live for revenge on my luckier relatives.

Magda: Then hit the sack and I'll see you in the morning.



On the way back to the DeLaCroix home...
Remmy: You'd better be nice to my friends.

Snape: I don't need reminding, babyface.

Remmy: Botox is a beautiful thing.

Snape: *is forced to spend a pleasant evening*




The next morning...
Snape: Ah... the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron...

Remmy: Not coming after all, Sev?

Snape: I'm a Slytherin, Mr. Darkur. Running off into the wilderness after escaped prisoners is strictly Gryffindor territory.

Remmy: What're you going to do instead?

Snape: *sigh* Haven't we been through this particular patch of exposition before?

Remmy: Sorry... one-track mind.

Golf Ball Eye Thing: I Spy something with my magical eye....

Remmy: So is that arabica or robusta in those barrels?

Snape: Good luck tracking Marian if you can't even identify dragon blood by smell, hotshot.

Claudia and Catherine: *swoop in*

Remmy: You'd never have guessed I was afraid of women, would you?

Catherine: Begin interfering busy-body mode in 3... 2... 1...

Snape: Don't tell me you actually want him to breed?

Claudia: Just humor me, because I'm-pregnant.

Remmy: Maybe Lucca had the right idea... *beats a hasty retreat*

Claudia: Is anyone else starting to see a trend? *pouts*

Snape: I'll just be getting back to my potion now...

Catherine: NO!!!! Must... feed... someone... or... head... will... asplode...

Snape: Thanks, but I don't normally eat a second breakfast.

PRTeam: Hehehe... subtle crossover references rock.

Snape: Am I being fattened up for some bizarre cannibalistic vampire ritual?

Claudia: Naw... you're just too stringy. You look like a plant kept in the dark.

Snape: And I suppose being a vampire has nothing to do with that...

Catherine: Eat up, popkin.

Snape: *seethes*

Magda: Can we get started on the Potion already? Dumbledore didn't send you to Romania to be fed, you know.

Snape: *through a mouthful of food* Aw be wiv you inna mommen.

Magda: Please... swallow, then speak.



Looking for Lucca...
Remmy the Wolf: What, you thought the thing about confusing me with Remus Lupin was a joke?

Peter: Okay, we know you're cute. You can stop being furry now.

Remmy: *unmorphs* I smell blood...

Bloodless corpse: I'd worry, were I you... clearly, I'm not the thing you smelled.

Remmy: Eurgh.

Peter: Looks like something wicked this way came.


Back at the ranch bar...
Snape: ...so then the last ingredient is the eye of newt.

Magda: See, if you taught all your classes like Potions For Desperate Vampires, your students might learn something.

Snape: But that would defeat my purpose as a source of anti-heroic conflict.

Mikhail: *bursts into the bar*

Magda: Remmy! Wait... you're not hot enough to be Remmy.

Mikhail: It's another plot point, Magda.

Magda: So long, Sev. Gotta go do the Elder thing.

Snape: I'll just sit here and be the useless outsider.

Mikhail: And you thought that was Remmy's job...

[Lolua]

Chapter 8: Light and Dark

A bit later...
Snape: I'm much too fussy with my equipment to bother with Packing Charms.

Golf Ball Eye Thing: And yes, I do operate as seen on SeaQuest DSV.

Snape: Okay... almost packed.

Marian: Looking for this? *twiddles wand*

Snape: You picked a funny way to start a family reunion.

Marian: Thanks for blowing my chance with Magda.

Magda: *snorts from offstage* As if.

Marian: Come quietly, neffie-poo, and I won't tell anyone you used to wet the bed.

Snape: Check out my asbestos fingers! *splashes boiling potion*

Sven the Vampire Thug: It buuuuuurns!!

Demonic Neko: *steals line back*

Sven the Vampire Thug: I keel you!

Marian: Verboten.

Sven the Vampire Thug: Apparently I don't keel you.

Marian: Now I wish I'd made you into the cool kind of vampire... however that works.

Snape: So it's to be torture? I can handle torture.

Marian: It's not me you have to worry about.

Snape: Then this is someone else's half-baked scheme. Great.

Marian: The only thing I do by halves is making Portkeys.

Portkey: *yanks*


Even later...
PRTeam: Didja see? We dropped a hint about Remmy's Dark Past! Gooooooo us!

Magda's Tavern: Hail the returning heroes. Now are you going to have a drink, or are you just here to make more potions?

Remmy: *sniffs* It smells remarkably unlike greasy hair in here.

Magda: That's because Snape's gone.

Remmy: But he left his plot point behind.

Golf Ball Eye Thing: See, there's a reason I was introduced in the previous chapter.

Remmy: *fast forwards*

Golf Ball Eye Thing: Apparently Snape was too cheap to get a DVR.

3-D Projection of Spyball Footage: Being magical, I don't come with red and blue glasses.

Magda: I probably should have realized sooner what a slimeball Marian is.

Remmy: No arguments here.

Magda: Good thing his thugs aren't so anonymous.

Peter: So much for the Evil Overlord list.

Remmy: Sven's got a sister.

Peter: You slept with her, didn't you?

Remmy: Do you have to ask?

Peter: Just checking.

Magda: Bring me the girl.


A remarkably short time later...
Elsa: Good things come in small packages.

Remmy: That explains why your brother is such bad news.

Magda: Tell us where Sven is.

Elsa: No.

Magda: Please?

Elsa: Okay.


At the crappy hideout...
PRTeam: Just in case it wasn't clear, Rostov and Sven are the Crabbe and Goyle of this storyline.

Crabbe Rostov: Can I help it if the brothel picked today for double-coupon day? I'm so there!

Goyle Sven: They'll never suspect me of hiding in a cave, right?

Magda: Guess again, bat boy.

Goyle Sven: I guess I am as thick as I look.

Magda: Say something interesting before I decide you're as useless as you look, too.



At an old manor house...
Mlle: *points at the frescoes* Warring.... angels.... *coughs*

Snape: Yeah, yeah... fallen angels, the eternal struggle of good vs. evil... I get it.

Mlle: No, actually, I don't think you do. *coughs again*

Bay window: Check me out... I'm a focal point plot point.

Snape: *pouts* They took my clothes.

Demonic Neko:

Snape: And gave me an itchy wool robe.

Naked Snape Award: Move along, people... nothing to see here.

Snape: A robe with no buttons. *pouts more*

Mr. Golden Sun: Howdy there!

Snape: Crap. *burns like toast*


Many hours later...
Mr. Golden Sun: You can run, but you can't hide!

Snape: Yes I can! *scrunches into shadowy corner of unused fireplace*

Mr. Golden Sun: Spoil-sport.

Snape: Just don't call me Cinderella.

Guard: Rise and shine, Your Crispiness.

Snape: *glares* I don't shine.

Guard: Well, at least rise from the ashes, then, o red-tinted one.

Snape: Let's not mistake this for me being in any way phoenix-like.

Phoenix Rising Team: Too late for that. *smirk*

Guard: You can cool your heels over here while you wait for the grub.

Snape: *cools sunburns on wall* So what if it's a walk-in freezer?

Reader: Clearly, you need to read more horror novels.

Vamp 1: Welcome to the slaughterhouse -- er, I mean, cafeteria.

Snape: Does that make us the Slaughterhouse Four?

Vamp 2: What's on the menu?

Four Kids: *enter* Hi, we're extras from the Ishbal Rebellion by way of Lior.

Vamp 3: Tender, juicy children!

Demonic Neko: Served with a side of fresh angst.

Snape: Eating kids is not cool. Threatening and bullying them, yes... eating them, no.

Vamps: Keep talking and we'll add you to the menu.

Snape: A little wandless magic would help right about now...

Vamps: *die*

Snape: What the --?

Mlle: Moron. *sighs* I told you to look at the frescoes.

Snape: So Lucifer equals --

Mlle: Bingo.

Lucius: *sings* And that's why they call me Cliff Hanger!

[Lolua]

Chapter 9: Lucca and Lucius

Many hours of mind-probing later...
Magda: Whew. Medieval torture sessions didn't last that long.

Sven: *cries*

Magda: You better cry.

Sven: Actually, I feel remarkably good for someone whose thoughts have been rifled through all afternoon.

Dead Bertha Jorkins: *sighs from beyond the veil* If only You-Know-Who had such mad thought-extracting skills.

Magda: It must suck to not be a vampire.

Lucius: *nods emphatically from offstage*



Above the loam...
Photophobic Mutant: Hi, I'm Lucca.... insane vampire and devourer of small children. What a great dad I'll make.

Mlle: See? Irony. Right there.

Photophobic Mutant Vampire Formerly Known As Lucca: Oh, mysterious manor house.... why do you mock meeeeeee?

Demonic Neko: *steals line back*

Lots of Photophobic Mutant Vampires: Haven't you learned yet that misery loves company?

Photophobic Mutuant Vampire Formerly Known As Lucca: Hungry!

Feeding Frenzy: *commences*

Manor House: Eurgh.



Back in the jungle in the abattoir...
Lucius: Potter...

Snape: *panics*

Marian: Yes?

Snape: *relaxes* Never thought I'd be glad to see the butterball again.

Lucius: Marian, you're supposed to torture the good guys, not the bad guys pretending to be good guys.

Reader: But... Snape's good.... right? *wide-eyed look of fear*

Snape: Shhhhh! Lucius hasn't figured that out yet!

Reader: Now we know where Draco gets his brains. *zips lips*

Marian: *cowers*

Lucius: I trust it won't happen again.

Marian: *whimpers*

Lucius: That's a good toady. Now go away so I can talk about how good I'll look if I kill you.

Marian: *exits*

Snape: So you're trusting a Potter now?

Lucius: Umm.... no... *looks at the ceiling*

Snape: And I thought the Dark Lord was a hypocrite.

Reader: Takes one to know one.



Just outside...
Magda: Death and destruction and a field strewn with bodies. *sighs* It must be Tuesday.

Remmy: Is it odd that I'm a vampire who's unfamiliar with the concept of death?

Magda: Maybe I shouldn't have brought you.

Remmy: Maybe I shouldn't be so cute that you couldn't resist letting me come.

Dead Photophobic Mutant Vampire Formerly Known As Lizette: That must be why she hasn't noticed yet that I'm a photophobic mutant.



Inside, sitting around the dinner table...
Everyone: *glares daggers at each other*

Lucius: Alcohol will totally make this better. Fenwicke!

Fenwicke the Squib Butler: Right away, Your Evilness.

Lucius: I've given up on house-elves.

Snape: It must be much more difficult for Narcissa to roast a Squib and pass it off as an unusually large pheasant.

Lucius: And Squibs aren't quite as eager to help with the laundry.

Fenwicke: *brings drinks*

Lucius: Maybe no one will notice that although my drink has a cool-sounding name, it's made with super-girly creme de cacao.

Snape: Trust Malfoy to serve a rare vintage of human blood.

Fenwicke: *screams*

Snape: I suspect Mr. Fenwicke, in the kitchen, with the vampire.

Lucius: Avada Kedavra! *kills own servant and a vampire*

Reader: *quirks eyebrow* Two at one blow?

Lucius: It doesn't take a lot to kill a Squib.

Marian: See? This is what comes of not eating children. You have to stoop to chowing down on Squib butlers.

Lucius: Maybe I should have stuck with the house-elves.

Marian: Nah... small stuff always tastes like chicken. *leers at Snape again*

Lucius: *waits*

Marian: It won't work, Malfoy.

Snape: Hunh?

Marian: I switched glasses while your back was turned! Haha, you fool! You just fell for one of the classic blunders. The most famous is "Never let a vampire's vampire nephew teach DADA at Hogwarts," but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Potter when death is on the line!" Hahahahahahaha--

Window: *crashes*

Marian: Dammit, I hate being interrupted right when I'm coming to a plot point.

Crashing Window: I am a plot point, moron.



Just outside... again...
Magda: Are we already ready already?

PRTeam: *thwaps beta*

Kitchen Window: Y'know that crashing you heard in the last bit? That was me!

Fenwicke and Mikah: We're just going to lie over here and play dead be dead.

Magda: *does wolfy morph thing and bursts into dining room*

Marian: Aha! You have us not nearly surrounded enough! *runs away*

Snape: This looks like a job for a viewpoint character. *chases Marian*

Lucius: My eyes! She's stolen my eyes!

Magda the Wolf: Non-vampire = evil. *growls*

Remmy's Ring: *glows and shoots spell* Take that, wizard fiend!

Lucius: *thwonk*

Crabbe and Goyle Two Hulking Goons: None shall pass.

Magda the Wolf: We'll see about that. *mad telepathic messaging to Remmy*

Reader:

Demonic Neko: And you thought telepathy was just for the kitties. *smirks*



In another part of the house...
Marian: You're not going to torture me, are you?

Snape: No... I'm going to torture you a lot.

Marian: *begs*

Snape: Crucio! Crucio-crucio! Crucio-crucio-crucio!

Marian: *screams and pleads* I'm a Potter, not a Longbottom!

Snape: Good point. You're supposed to die, not go crazy.

Snape's Wand: *spiniferates*

Dead Deanna Sande: *sighs from beyond the veil* Here we go again.

Marian: So are you going to stake me or not?

Snape: Probably... but first, let me tell you a story about my father the swordmaker...

[Lolua]

Chapter 10: Blood Fever

www.fanfiction.net/s/1581596/30/

Meanwhile...
Magda the Wolf: Let's see how you like dances with wolves, clodpoles.

Crabbe and Goyle: It takes two to tango.

Magda the Wolf: Are you really sure you want to give me the finger? *bites off Goyle's finger*

Goyle: Ouch... just call me Peter Pettigrew.

Magda the Wolf: Sorry, guys, I suddenly have a taste for finger sandwiches. *bites off more fingers*

Crabbe: Would someone please cut off my hand? It'd probably hurt less....

Magda the Wolf: Guess you boys are about to learn what it means to be one of the Death Eaten. *digs in*



And just down the hall...
Marian:

Snape: ...but there isn't a lot of money in revenge, so I work for Dumbledore to pay the bills.

Lucius: *enters* Avada Kedavra!

Snape: I've already killed him! I did it right after revealing my diabolical plan, I swear! *hastily dons "Hello, I'm Evil" badge*

Lucius: Dammit.

Snape: But, uh, thanks for trying.

Lucius: I was aiming at you, moron.

Snape: For any reason besides wanting to use your favorite spell?

Lucius: You drank the vampire-mutating potion meant for Marian and now you'll want to eat me.

Snape: Erm... I thought you wanted to be bitten. Why else would you hang out with me?

Lucius: Bitten, yes. Torn to pieces and devoured while Quidditch Barbie watches helplessly, no.

Snape: Hey, I'm not that kind of vampire!

Lucius: But you will be. I used this potion to drive the missing vampires mad, and they attacked all those villages.

Snape: Potions... villages being attacked...

Mlle: *coughironycough*

Snape: Something about this seems vaguely familiar...

Lucius: Aren't I evil? *smirk*

Snape: Yes... but you're still not a vampire. *mist morphs away*

Lucius: I hate it when he does that.

Ominous Growl: *sounds from the next room*

Lucius: I'd rather not be on the menu, thanks. *disapparates*



Time to check up with the other viewpoint character...
Remmy: *wanders down the hallway* I wonder if Snape could use any help...

Mist-Morphed Snape: I could really use some help right now...

Remmy: *growls* I smell a blond.

Lucius' Disapparition: Pop!

Snape: Or I could just wait for Lucius to run away. *unmorphs*

Marian:

Remmy: OMGWTF Marian! Is he dead?

Snape: Let's not talk about it.

Remmy: What happened to you? Did someone try to make Tandoori Snape?

Snape: Let's really not talk about it.

Remmy: Then you get to help me find the feral vamps, if you insist on being so unhelpful.

Snape: Which is why I'm totally not going to tell you about the potion I just drank.

Manor House: Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.

Snape: Just so you know, I suck at tracking.

Remmy: I'd never have guessed. There's something in that tree. *sharpens a stick*

Remmy's Ring: Too bad I don't spiniferate very well.

Photophobic Mutant Formerly Known As Lucca: Hungry! *pounces*

Demonic Neko: Dude, I'd totally pounce on Remmy too.

Remmy: *fights*

Photophobic Mutant Formerly Known As Lucca: *snarls*

Remmy: You know, you seem awfully familiar for a vicious photophobic mutant...

Photophobic Mutant Formerly Known As Lucca: If you think I'm vicious now, you should see me when useless playboys are hitting on my pregnant wife.

Remmy: Lucca?

Photophobic Mutant Formerly Known As Lucca: Oops... I mean, still hungry!

Remmy: *stakes Lucca to the tree*

Photophobic Mutant Formerly Known As Lucca: *twitches*

Remmy: This is so not cool.

Snape: Your friend seems to be a little more undead than usual.

Remmy: He's clearly not Lucca anymore. Got a knife?

Snape: You should finish him off with a spoon.

Remmy: But why a spoon?

Snape: Because it's dull. It'll hurt more.

Remmy: Unlike you, I don't do the revenge thing. This one's a mercy kill.

Snape: What's the fun in that? *hands over knife*

Remmy: *recites requiem text from memory*

Demonic Neko: Woohoo... Latin is nifty.

Remmy: *decapitates Lucca*

Snape: Who do you think you are? Macnair? I gave you a paring knife, not a bloody hatchet!!!

Remmy: *pukes* I don't grieve well while others are watching, so go away.

Snape: Sure thing. *leaves*

Remmy: *lights pyre and cries*


Back in the underground city...
Catherine: Where's Remmy?

Snape: Uhh...

Claudia: Any word from Lucca?

Snape: Erm....

Claudia: Tell me!!!!

Snape: I, um, need to see Magda.

Magda: Right behind you, professor.

Snape: Yeah. I kinda have bad news.

Magda: How am I not surprised?

Snape: The Death Eaters are sowing discord by mutating vampires with a potion and then setting them on villages.

Magda: That explains a lot.

Snape: Well, if that'll be all, I'll just be going...

Claudia: WHERE'S MY HUSBAND, YOU SLIMY SECRETIVE SOD?

Snape: Dead.

Claudia: *collapses*



A bit later, in a clearing...
Shirtless Remmy: I'm bringing out my dead.