Post by Lolua on Jan 11, 2005 1:31:09 GMT -5
Over the past few nights' chats, MoonCroww and I have been compiling a list of the things Harry Potter fanfiction has taught us.
1. Snape's desk is a great place for a shag.
2. The Room of Requirement never fails to provide a comfy bed and a plethora of sex toys when needed.
3. Wizard contraception only seems to matter if you or your partner is a Weasley, because, apparently, the Weasleys are the Catholics of the Anglican wizarding world.
4. Malfoys have better stamina than most porn stars.
5. The astronomy tower is NEVER used for class and is the ideal place for a late night rendevous.
6. Being a Death Eater never involves killing or torture, except on the receiving end. The worst things one will personally have to do are make poisonous potions and attend orgies with people you dislike.
7. Ultimately the only thing wrong with Snape is his bad attitude. That's what makes his hair greasy and his teeth yellow.
8. In addition to number 7, he is a sex god.
9. Half the female population of the wizarding world has names that begin with A. The other half has names that begin with the letter S.
10. Hufflepuff girls are sluts and air-heads.
11. So are Ravenclaws.
12. There will always be an abandoned hallway or alcove when one is needed.
13. Despite a lack of an physical effort, Quidditch will tone a man's entire body to perfection.
14. Hermione Granger is hiding a pair of world class breasts under her robes, but only Draco will notice.
15. Ginny's breasts can somehow be both "small and perfect" and "generously large" within the same chapter.
16. Ginny's ordeal with Tom Riddle led her to use drugs and become psychotic, it's just no one has noticed yet.
17. Blaise Zabini can be either male or female, but is the worlds biggest slut either way.
18. Tonks can change into a man when she pleases, and her favorite form is Sirius...
19. At the full moon Remus changes into a female werewolf, to the great delight of Padfoot...
20. When Neville's babyfat melts away, it is discovered that he bears a striking resemblance to Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom.
21. Neville's fear of Snape is really a fear of rejection, as he is deeply in love with his Potions professor.
22. Sirius Black once dated Narcissa Malfoy... despite being her cousin.
23. Harry is actually the son of Sirius Black... that's why he looks so much like James.
24. Alternatively, Harry is the son of Voldemort, which also explains his great resemblance to James.
25. Eleven-year-old Ginny was Tom Riddle's love-slave.
26. Broom closets never contain brooms, and so have plenty of room for complicated sexual maneuvers.
27. The charms classroom is always empty.
28. Dumbledore doesn't sleep. Neither do McGonagall or Snape.
29. Unless it's with each other.
30. Luna sleeps with everyone... she's just too goofy to remember.
31. The majority of the wizarding world is employed in one of five careers: Healer, Auror, Unspeakable, pro Quidditch player, and Hogwarts teacher.
32. Madam Pomfrey is never in the infirmary... it's best just to rush injured or sick people to Snape's office.
33. Or to Hagrid’s.
34. The Potions curriculum will always contain Veritaserum, and Hermione, Harry, Ron and Draco are the only ones it will be tested on.
35. This will always reveal a secret crush that despite all odds will come to be a reality.
36. All children born will be given horribly common names and the middle name of a dead relative.
37. Despite the complete failure of Hagrid’s previous visit to the giants, he will be sent to talk to them over and over again. This seems due not so much to his diplomatic skills as to the difficulty of writing his accent and/or working him into plotlines.
38. Should Fleur marry Bill, she will leave him once the war begins.
39. There are two qualifications that can lead to a character becoming the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts. One is being a terribly attractive witch, and the other is being part-(insert odd magical creature name here). It is generally preferable to be both.
40. At the age of 18 all students in Slytherin are required to take the Dark Mark.
41. Those who do not are promptly killed in a horrible fashion...
42. ... unless they are Draco Malfoy and they are currently having a secret love affair with Hermione Granger or Ginny Weasley.
43. Apparition Training bears a remarkable resemblance to Driver's Ed. For vague reasons relating to "the war", Ginny Weasley is invariably allowed to take this training a year early.
44. During Apparition Training, Seamus or Ron will inevitably splinch off the part of his anatomy that he will most miss. No one else will splinch off anything more important than the tip of their pinky finger or toe.
45. Joint detention will always lead to sex.
46. Private tutoring lessons and staying after class will also lead to sex.
47. Auror or spy partnerships between former enemies always lead to sex.
48. If a teacher has a relationship with a student it will be found out in a most embarassing manner.
49. Dumbledore, perhaps for reasons of "promoting inter-house unity", heartily approves of teacher-student sexual relationships.
50. Percy will join the Death Eaters and will be forced to kill one of his brothers or his father as initiation.
51. Draco will become a Death Eater and will have to kill his current lover as initiation, usually being Harry or Hermione....
52. Despite being a snob and a dangerous Dark witch, Bellatrix's main function among the Death Eaters is to cook meals for Voldemort and see to his "other needs".
53. Despite being a thousand miles away in hiding in Albania at the time, Voldemort knows all about Ginny's misadventures with Tom Riddle's diary and will taunt her with it at every opportunity.
54. Harry will have nightmares that can only be comforted by a certain person... usually Ron or Ginny.
55. Good Draco will have nightmares that can only be comforted by a certain person... usually Harry or Ginny.
56. Both types of said comfort will always lead to sex.
57. The worst fights will happen in the Quidditch locker rooms... immediately followed by steamy sex in the shower.
58. This is even applicable to people who are not and have never been on the Quidditch team.
59. It is always raining on the Quidditch pitch... which is the perfect time to make out.
60. There's no need to worry about someone being lost in a snowstorm, because any path taken will inevitably lead them to Hagrid's cozy hut – where they will find their current crush, also snowbound.
We may add more, and feel free to contribute your own. There's a lot of odd fanfiction out there....
1. Snape's desk is a great place for a shag.
2. The Room of Requirement never fails to provide a comfy bed and a plethora of sex toys when needed.
3. Wizard contraception only seems to matter if you or your partner is a Weasley, because, apparently, the Weasleys are the Catholics of the Anglican wizarding world.
4. Malfoys have better stamina than most porn stars.
5. The astronomy tower is NEVER used for class and is the ideal place for a late night rendevous.
6. Being a Death Eater never involves killing or torture, except on the receiving end. The worst things one will personally have to do are make poisonous potions and attend orgies with people you dislike.
7. Ultimately the only thing wrong with Snape is his bad attitude. That's what makes his hair greasy and his teeth yellow.
8. In addition to number 7, he is a sex god.
9. Half the female population of the wizarding world has names that begin with A. The other half has names that begin with the letter S.
10. Hufflepuff girls are sluts and air-heads.
11. So are Ravenclaws.
12. There will always be an abandoned hallway or alcove when one is needed.
13. Despite a lack of an physical effort, Quidditch will tone a man's entire body to perfection.
14. Hermione Granger is hiding a pair of world class breasts under her robes, but only Draco will notice.
15. Ginny's breasts can somehow be both "small and perfect" and "generously large" within the same chapter.
16. Ginny's ordeal with Tom Riddle led her to use drugs and become psychotic, it's just no one has noticed yet.
17. Blaise Zabini can be either male or female, but is the worlds biggest slut either way.
18. Tonks can change into a man when she pleases, and her favorite form is Sirius...
19. At the full moon Remus changes into a female werewolf, to the great delight of Padfoot...
20. When Neville's babyfat melts away, it is discovered that he bears a striking resemblance to Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom.
21. Neville's fear of Snape is really a fear of rejection, as he is deeply in love with his Potions professor.
22. Sirius Black once dated Narcissa Malfoy... despite being her cousin.
23. Harry is actually the son of Sirius Black... that's why he looks so much like James.
24. Alternatively, Harry is the son of Voldemort, which also explains his great resemblance to James.
25. Eleven-year-old Ginny was Tom Riddle's love-slave.
26. Broom closets never contain brooms, and so have plenty of room for complicated sexual maneuvers.
27. The charms classroom is always empty.
28. Dumbledore doesn't sleep. Neither do McGonagall or Snape.
29. Unless it's with each other.
30. Luna sleeps with everyone... she's just too goofy to remember.
31. The majority of the wizarding world is employed in one of five careers: Healer, Auror, Unspeakable, pro Quidditch player, and Hogwarts teacher.
32. Madam Pomfrey is never in the infirmary... it's best just to rush injured or sick people to Snape's office.
33. Or to Hagrid’s.
34. The Potions curriculum will always contain Veritaserum, and Hermione, Harry, Ron and Draco are the only ones it will be tested on.
35. This will always reveal a secret crush that despite all odds will come to be a reality.
36. All children born will be given horribly common names and the middle name of a dead relative.
37. Despite the complete failure of Hagrid’s previous visit to the giants, he will be sent to talk to them over and over again. This seems due not so much to his diplomatic skills as to the difficulty of writing his accent and/or working him into plotlines.
38. Should Fleur marry Bill, she will leave him once the war begins.
39. There are two qualifications that can lead to a character becoming the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts. One is being a terribly attractive witch, and the other is being part-(insert odd magical creature name here). It is generally preferable to be both.
40. At the age of 18 all students in Slytherin are required to take the Dark Mark.
41. Those who do not are promptly killed in a horrible fashion...
42. ... unless they are Draco Malfoy and they are currently having a secret love affair with Hermione Granger or Ginny Weasley.
43. Apparition Training bears a remarkable resemblance to Driver's Ed. For vague reasons relating to "the war", Ginny Weasley is invariably allowed to take this training a year early.
44. During Apparition Training, Seamus or Ron will inevitably splinch off the part of his anatomy that he will most miss. No one else will splinch off anything more important than the tip of their pinky finger or toe.
45. Joint detention will always lead to sex.
46. Private tutoring lessons and staying after class will also lead to sex.
47. Auror or spy partnerships between former enemies always lead to sex.
48. If a teacher has a relationship with a student it will be found out in a most embarassing manner.
49. Dumbledore, perhaps for reasons of "promoting inter-house unity", heartily approves of teacher-student sexual relationships.
50. Percy will join the Death Eaters and will be forced to kill one of his brothers or his father as initiation.
51. Draco will become a Death Eater and will have to kill his current lover as initiation, usually being Harry or Hermione....
52. Despite being a snob and a dangerous Dark witch, Bellatrix's main function among the Death Eaters is to cook meals for Voldemort and see to his "other needs".
53. Despite being a thousand miles away in hiding in Albania at the time, Voldemort knows all about Ginny's misadventures with Tom Riddle's diary and will taunt her with it at every opportunity.
54. Harry will have nightmares that can only be comforted by a certain person... usually Ron or Ginny.
55. Good Draco will have nightmares that can only be comforted by a certain person... usually Harry or Ginny.
56. Both types of said comfort will always lead to sex.
57. The worst fights will happen in the Quidditch locker rooms... immediately followed by steamy sex in the shower.
58. This is even applicable to people who are not and have never been on the Quidditch team.
59. It is always raining on the Quidditch pitch... which is the perfect time to make out.
60. There's no need to worry about someone being lost in a snowstorm, because any path taken will inevitably lead them to Hagrid's cozy hut – where they will find their current crush, also snowbound.
We may add more, and feel free to contribute your own. There's a lot of odd fanfiction out there....
, whoa. 
