|
|
Post by Big Brother on Jun 11, 2004 6:26:43 GMT -5
Top Ten things I'd do if I visited Hogwarts:
1.) Give Draco Malfoy an Atomic Wedgie. That boy seriously needs one.
2.) Send a (convincing) joke letter to Snape saying he's been selected as the next guest on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and will get a free makeover.
3.) Surreptitiously film his reaction and show the film in the Gryffindor common room.
4.) And the Slytherin Common room, if he's enthusiastic enough.
5.) Dare Dumbledore to prove he's not Gandalf.
6.) Get Hagrid drunk, give him a "Born to Raise Baby Dragons" tattoo.
7.) Sell Crabbe and Goyle "pages that fell out of Tom Riddle's Diary". Make sure said (fake) pages are filled with very embarassing angst-filled adolescent whining about how no one loved him, the girls all hated him, and how frequently he, erm, enjoyed Goblin Porn.
8.) Sell Crabbe and Goyle Goblin Porn.
9.) Artfully photoshop Draco into several scenes.
10.) Film the resultant awkward pass made by Crabbe and/or Goyle at Draco and show the film in the Gryffindor Common Room.
Feel free to add your own. Once we've got enough, I'll pick an all-time top ten from everyone's combined lists.
|
|
|
|
Post by Lolua on Jun 11, 2004 15:57:02 GMT -5
First of all, you stole 2, 3, and 4 from a fanfic I'm sure I told you about, called Queer Eye for the Snape Guy: www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1495793But I totally agree about giving Draco an Atomic Wedgie, even though I'm ordinarily not a fan of them. Anyway, on with the list... - Kick Mrs. Norris. Somebody has to.
- Hide inside suits of armor, yelling rude things at people who pass by. Laugh when Peeves takes the blame.
- Leave Harry Potter merchandise in various inappropriate places around the school. For example, the talking Harry dolls could be placed in Snape's Potions lab, a Harry Potter diary placed in Ginny's trunk, and plush Scabbers the Rat dolls left for Crookshanks and Ron.
- Go in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, find the sink that conceals the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets, and leave a large sign that says, "This is the Entrance to the Chamber of Secrets".
- Fill the Defense Against the Dark Arts office with pictures of its past occupants, complete with captions describing the brutal ways in which they left Hogwarts.
- Wear the Sorting Hat around all day, and grin bemusedly as it screams out your house over and over again.
- Announce Voldemort's true heritage to the Slytherins over breakfast.
- Point out all of Jo Rowling's "Flints" to Hermione, including the Thestral problem and the missing twenty-four hours of Harry's life. Convince her that the world makes no sense.
|
|
|
|
Post by Big Brother on Jun 12, 2004 2:27:43 GMT -5
I realize that I'm risking getting sorted into Slytherin for this kind of stuff (much rather think of myself as a Ravenclaw/Gryffindor halfbreed), but if Gred and Forge can do so much gleeful evil and get away with it, so can I.
So, now, on with the gleeful evil!
* Introduce Crookshanks to Millicent Bulstrode's cat. Take bets on who wins the resulting fight.
* Filch something from Argus Filch.
* Tell the Giant Squid that you've gotten him a job in live-action versions of Japanese tentacle porn hentai cartoons, and fly him to Japan in a specially-equipped cargo plane...but instead, sell him to a Sushi maufacturer as 100 tons of fresh calamari.
* Point out to the house elves that, if the tea towel they wear is a special pattern and given to them specifically to wear as a loincloth, it counts as clothing.
* Mutter "badger badger badger badger" under your breath every time you pass a Hufflepuff.
* Play polo while riding either Thestrals or Hippogriffs.
* Play connect-the-dots with Ron's freckles. See if you can arrange them into the Dark Mark. If not, at least draw a lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead.
* Start referring to the Slytherin Tower as "Barad-Dur".
* Tell Sybil Trelawney that Sidney Omarr has accepted to become her replacement.
|
|
|
|
Post by Lolua on Jun 12, 2004 15:36:03 GMT -5
Gee, you really aren't a Slytherin, or you'd know they live in the dungeons... ;D And it's really starting to worry me that so many of your "top ten" humor posts have to do with porn in one form or another. Anyway, on with the show... - Decorate the hangings of Harry's four-poster bed with "Support Cedric Diggory, the real Hogwarts champion" badges, and leave a note that says, "Love, the Creevey brothers."
- Steal Hermione's copy of Hogwarts, A History.
- Shave Hagrid's hairy suit.
- Leave dead ferrets in Draco Malfoy's bed.
- Plant signed photos of Gilderoy Lockhart in Ron's trunk.
- Switch the Marauder's Map with an ordinary piece of parchment. Laugh when Harry can't get it to work for his next nighttime adventure.
|
|
|
|
Post by Mlle Bienvenu on Jun 13, 2004 0:31:17 GMT -5
Proclaim loudly that there's no such thing as magic.
|
|
|
|
Post by Big Brother on Jun 13, 2004 5:42:13 GMT -5
* Two words: NAKED TIME!!!!!
* Braid Dumbledore's beard.
* Braid Hagrid's beard.
* Tie them together.
* Jump Rope.
* Forget about Trolls, release a Balrog in the dungeon.
* Feed Mrs. Norris to "Fluffy".
* Install a big sign on the clock tower showing what the current Department of Homeland Security Terrorism Threat Warning Level is, but label it as the "Voldemort Threat Warning Level".
* Raise it from Orange to Red whenever Harry has Double Potions with the Slytherins.
* Bring a FIM-92A Stinger to a Quidditch match.
* Sell "We're Number One" big foam fingers at the Quidditch stadium.
* Refer to Ravenclaws as "Birdbrains". (but be sure to do it from a fair distance)
* Bring in a building inspector to check and see if Hogwarts Castle complies with all municipal building codes.
* Remove the labels from all the jars of potion ingredients in Snape's classroom.
* Tell Rita Skeeter that Harry Potter has accused his former Care of Magical Creatures instructor, Professor Kettleburn, of actually being noted criminal Sirius Black in disguise. Suggest she title the article for the Daily Prophet "Pot Calls Kettle Black".
|
|
|
|
Post by Mlle Bienvenu on Jun 15, 2004 2:20:05 GMT -5
* * Tell Rita Skeeter that Harry Potter has accused his former Care of Magical Creatures instructor, Professor Kettleburn, of actually being noted criminal Sirius Black in disguise. Suggest she title the article for the Daily Prophet "Pot Calls Kettle Black". LMBO! That's great! LOL |
|
|
|
Post by Big Brother on Jun 15, 2004 12:42:31 GMT -5
* Have werewolf-Lupin stand outside the entrance to the Hufflepuff Common Room, and chant, "I'll Huffle and I'll Puffle, And I'll Blow Your House Down!"
* Get Padfoot neutered.
* Call the flying instructor "Madam Hoochie-Kootchie".
* Get out a ruler and measure exactly how long Neville's bottom is.
* Convince Hermione that, if she kisses Trevor, he'll turn into an enchanted prince.
* When she does, have Draco "Slytherin Prince" Malfoy apparate in to take Trevor's place.
* Sneak into Malfoy's room and steal his hair peroxide.
* Kidnap the Giant Squid and sneak it into the lake used for the "20,000 Leauges Under The Sea" ride at Disney World.
* Give Filcha souvenier ballcap from the HMS Argus.
* Put a sign outside Flitwick's classroom reading "You must be as tall as this sign to teach this class".
* Introduce Fred and George Weasley to Lapis Lazuli and Lorelei Lee Long.
* No, scratch that, I'm keeping Laz and Lor for myself. Introduce the Weasley twins to Castor and Pollux Stone. Then get out of the same universe, as when those four troublemakers join forces, the entire fabric of reality is at stake.
* While we're at it, hire Hazel Stone to babysit for Molly Weasley. If anyone can handle the Weasley kids, she can.
* Sell logging rights in the Forbidden Forest.
* Join forces with the Weasley Twins to start a pirate radio station on the Hogwarts grounds. Host a novelty/comedy music show, and call yourself "Dr. Dementor". Watch Harry cringe in fear whenever your signature catchphrase, "We're getting Deee-Mented!" is repeated by one of the other students.
|
|
